Surf and the ageing process

Getting older really sucks sometimes. I noticed this so clearly this holiday. the first REAL holiday I've had in 6 yeaqrs. After grovelling in bushibans and taking ignorant Chinese parents' money I finally have a real job where I actually have to teach. Properly.

The upside of this is (apart from professional fulfilment, vastly improved job satisfaction and better pay)is that I get two months holiday over June July. This is heaven on a stick for a Saffa surfer. It gets better, they pay to fly me home AND pay me when I'm on holiday too. Not bad.

Relishing the prospect of waves I got fit for it by swimming as much as I could in the school pool.1km a day and then some with fartlek sessions (yes, that is the name for fast / slow swimming) Hah. As I type this I am writhing on the floor in derisive fits of laughter at myself. First session, after 10 minutes I was completely shagged. I had great time though. Surfing is like riding a bicycle they say. I don't know who 'they' are but it is nothing like riding a bicycle at all, so they are full of shit imho.

The really scary thing was how much faster all those younger ou's are. I don't stand a chance, they would motor past me as I was wheezing up the point, stopping every 30 meteres to catch my breath. One wave to their five.

Getting up on my feet was really hard too. After a year in a desert, my reflexes are not as honed as I would like. It took me a week before I was surfing properly again.Even then the pain was gratifyingly intense. Some mornings I was so stiff I could hardly pull my wettie on. But I did. Got dawnies in every day there was surf and got some classic waves all to myself.

The point? Surfing is still as much stoke for me now as when I started. I love doing it and will never stop unless i am simply too old. I will definitely get a LOT fitter before I venture into the water again though.

Seals is still the mellowsoc porsie of note. Smiles and laughter in the water. Supers has just been crucified by big business and crowds. Inevitable but sad. I doubt I will ever surf that wave again, simply not fit enough or hungry enough.

Conch

Sometimes you discover a new flavour that you've never come across before. Conch. Mike Mee tells me it's an endangered species and I can believe it. I now eat as much as I can because soon it won't be available. There are advantages to living in the third world. I will let my guilt consume me later. In the meantime it is...I will enjoy this stunning shellfish. Ja ja ja. Greenie and all.I'm in Khartoum for goodness sakes. Who'd think I can get fresh conch here? It needs to be enjoyed.

Think perlemoen (abalone) crossed with alikreukel( sea snail) and squid (squid). Easy to prepare, a bit of a beating, quick fry up and Voila! Mermaids crying on your tongue. I thought perly was good but this stuff knocks spots off it. You can even make a horn out of it (if you get the shell) as in Lord of the Flies horn thingie. The shell is impressive too. Make excellent earrings for elephants if they were into personal adorments.

Given that shellfish will all probably disappear off the face of the planet in the next 60 years as our oceans acidify due to YOUR (yes, you are the problem) car's exhaust emissions, I feel absolutely no guilt about eating this decidedly delicious beast before its calcareous shell thins and disappears into the oceans.

Best recipe's?

Undoubtedly the old fashioned moer it to death, battered and deep fried. Close second is Thai green curry (use green beans at the end, still crunchy and lots of Holy Basil).

Crabs in a bucket

''Anyone familiar with the behavior of a bunch of crabs trapped at the bottom of a bucket will know what happens when one of them tries to climb to the top; instead of attempting the climb themselves, those left at the bottom of the bucket will do all in their collective power to drag the climber back down. And although crab behavior should not in any way be analogous to human behavior, we can think of many instances where it is. ''

Couldn't have said it better if I tried.

I first heard the term when I was in Taiwan. Our Filipino nanny reckoned this was the norm amongst Filipino expat's (balikbayans). Her take on it was slightly different though. Which is an interesting slant on points of view about, well, crabs in a bucket. Filipinos too I suppose. It was certainly true about the balikbayans, no favours there, they would dob each other in at a whim or perceived diss'ing. Most were illegals and would end up on the plane home to Manila.

I know crabs. I have caught them before and seen their behaviour. In a bucket too. The one trying to get to the top will do anything to get there. And then what? First one in the pot. That's what.

Anyway, that's what the harridan's I mentioned in my previous post were. Crabs in a bucket. I mean, really, what ladder were those bitches climbing? At best they would have got a tiny pay increase and a huge load of extra responsibility. I am not interested in climbing the ladder, I just want to survive the next 2 years and start the Restaurant as planned. They had utterly no valid reason to give the shit they did other than being petty vindictive bitches. That is reason enough. I've seen the same type of crab behaviour directed at other people with similar consequences.

Guys don't do this type of thing. I swear, if they don't like you they will swear you silly or smack you one but they won't get crab on you.

But women, aaaaayyyyyy, scary stuff. The last crab had the audacity to look at me, as I was being canned from my job due, utterly, to her nastiness, and say, 'What about the students?' 3 months before the end of term. What about the students? Absolutely! Her crab mentality hurt them. So much for educators.

F*ck me, I was leaving anyway because it was the crappest job I had ever endured in my life.She made it worse by getting us thrown out the country just before the kid's exam's revision and says to me, 'What about the students?' Unbelievable. So, the moral of the story?

There isn't any really, apart from watching out for people who walk sideways with a desire to go upwards. Watch out for them.

White meat or brown?

It's the old question when carving up a chicken but for years I laboured under the delusion that dark skinned people had some kind of protection from being eaten by the man in the grey overcoat. The landlord. Johnnies. Whatever you want to call the creature . Think about it though. Up until two years ago I had never heard of a black guy getting attacked by a shark.

Now, in the last two years four attacks in the same place. One of them on the same guy (HOW unlucky is that? Poor bastard) who got bitten once and a year later absolutely chowed by a hungry Zambezi.

That's one thing you can say about Wild Coast shark attacks when they happen. Which, statistically, is scary, given how many people surf there. They tend to be rather serious. And not many people surf there due to the definite possibilty of being eaten and the more definite possibility of being robbed these days. Either when you're in the water as the Tsotsi's break into your car, or at gunpoint.

In the 80's Alex Macun was demolished in two bites at Ntlonyana in front of friends of mine who were close enough to the beastie to throw rocks at it. His board is on display at the Natal Shark's Board in Umhlanga Rocks. He was gone, not even a toenail left. Eaten. It wasn't actually his board, it was a friend's board he was on. Given the circumstances I believe she has forgiven the damage done. My mum was doing photography classes with the guy. He was chomped on a flat, two foot day, in knee deep water. To this day I don't think I want to surf that wave again.

The last three attacks were at 2nd beach where I surfed regularly when I lived in Port St Johns. It was the equivalent of Pipe in PE. Two were locals from the location up on the hill overlooking the waves (best views from any location in Africa). Learning to surf on boards donated by travelling surfers. Another was a lifesaver, also from the location. All they got of him was his swimfins. Zambezi shark again.

I remember two whitey surfers, Mark and Johnno' who lived there and ran a bar, (Tubes, excellent name) surfed a lot and refused to eat seafood of any kind.

'We don't eat them so they don't eat us.' Worked for them. God only knows where they are now. probably hit by a car or something. Hopefully still hanging out somewhere.

Johnno's girlfriend was a piece of work of NOTE. Pathological, lying bitch. Tried to stitch me up a few times for her own personal reasons (I was her supervisor) and nearly succeeded due to the old, 'Well, where there's smoke there's fire' adage. What he saw in her apart from the obvious I do not know. She got caught out with her lies when she claimed I had abused her verbally one day and I was 120 km's away at the time she alleged I called her a lazy, lying bitch and screamed at her for not doing her job. Which she was and she certainly didn't. But I never said it to her as she claimed. But that's another story all over again. I digress (sue me bitch!).

I also remember watching shark fishermen all being hooked up on monster hammerheads at The Gap (all five of them) as I was surfing in line with where they were trying to reel in these 14 foot beasties. Thinking, 'Ah, those are hammerheads, they don't bite.' And carrying on surfing.


I should have learned from the Johnno's squeeze incident. I got stitched up recently by another pathological lying bitch, except this time she got me. And that is also another story.

Will I stop surfing? Not a chance.

Trust women? Go figure. A post later on what ugly women (within and externally) in positions of self perceived power will do to people to further their own vaulting ambitions. Crabs in a bucket...

REAL ART not some foppy painting stuff

How good is this? Absolute talent. It was 4 years in the making. A tribute to the language of music.

For sale to the highest bidder.

The artist is an unknown genius of photo-montage who painstakingly collated images of Taiwan and the music there during his sojourn on La Isla Toxica.

His name is McStrange, a genius of note. Get it? Never mind.

Offers over $200 US considered.

Danny Wheelspanner

I have a pic of him somewhere. He is somewhat of a legend, if that is the right term, in Port Saint Johns. It's the only little town where his petty larceny is tolerated. Once, when he was well and truly busted for nicking a motorbike and selling it to another, smarter, petty larcenist called bluebottle (he wore these really tacky bluebottle eye sunglasses), he got convicted and sent off to chookie.

Now, here's the rub. The guys who he nicked the bike from were, rather unsurprisingly, a bit pissed off with him and laid charges, leading eventually, to his incarceration for 3 months at the pleasure of the SA government. The local community were outraged. How dare they do this to Danny they asked? They regarded the rightful owners of the bike as dishonorable men who were treating Danny horribly. They should have more compassion they said.

Danny is an Angolan war veteran with classic Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome symptoms. ie he is a polyaddict/alcoholic who steals things. He doesn't have a job and hasn't had a regular job since I first met him which was over ten years ago. He does, however, have an uncanny ability to grasp a quart of black label, half full (or empty) at any time of day. His home from home is the Vuyani bottle store's shebeen at second beach. In fact, the last time I was there, that's where I saw him, in an old army greatcoat, holding a quart of black label.

His name comes from the fact that he was handy with a wheelspanner, as in changing wheels, not nutting people with it. I think he had had enough of that nonsense in the war. Actually, monikers were rather popular there, Danny millionaire, Johnny 'vrot' (as in Johnny Rotten the punk star) the list could go on.

I have always wondered about the Danny's of the world. How do they survive? He did a job for me on my Landy once, replacing the shocks. It took him days and he didn't bother to replace the old rubbers. I was hopping about it, but, forgave him as he is not a bad bloke except for his tendency to steal things and drink too much. Does that make any sense?

And that, I think, explains a bit about Port Saint Johns. It is like the sink trap for some of humanity, they get stuck there and never leave. They survive on the generosity of people. Which most people are. Danny is no doubt, right now, either sleeping or, at the Vuyani shebeen with a quart of black label in his grasp. I think the world would be a bit diminished without characters like him in it. Even if he did nick my Philippino jungle bolo.

Da shack

Chinshuei Boardriders Clubhouse it was.

I built it from 100% recycled materials. This is the polite way of saying I nicked most of the stuff from the side of the road. It's an African thing, or maybe I am just a thief but if someone leaves stuff on the side of the road for weeks they obviously don't want it.
Taiwanese do this. Dump perfectly good stuff.I have picked up a guitar, a hammer dulcimer (look it up), bookshelves, Bose speakers (I shit you not, good ones too), an aquarium with all the fittings, Mike stand, the list goes on. All thrown away.

Da shack was actually built for my daughter, Kieran as a sun shade when we went to the beach. The surfers may wish to think I had altruistic social motives but it was actually me being a selfish bastard. There was NO shade at all, so the obvious solution was to build a shaded area, big enough for her to play in and big enough for a wee party should the desire strike. Certainly big enough for me to veg out and sink a few coldies watching the surf from my chair.

The inspiration for Da shack came from Thailand where they have these cool beach shelters. I started collecting the bamboo from wherever I could find it. There is no shortage of it in Taiwan. Good straight pieces were harder to find but eventually I gathered enough to build for sod all. I think it cost me all of 50NT dollars to build becuase I splurged on cable ties (wondeful invention by the way).

Funnily, everyone who lived there (well, weiguoren surfers) all agreed it is a great idea.A surf shack? Yeh! None lifted a finger on the materials collection. I knew it had to be done so I did it. It took about two months of scrounging. Would have taken a week if other folks had bothered to gather up stuff but it didn't faze me. I surf and I know how vlam surfers are.

'Pit's missioning on it, when has all the stuff together I'll help out. Where's the cone?'.

Getting them all together to help with the building was easy. I was well surprised at how they all pitched in. Took us a day as I had planned.

A man a plan a shack. Read it backwards.. Kcahs a nalp amana..OK it isn't a whatchamacallit but it worked. Sort of.

We all had a lot of good times there, beach bbq's, lazy arvo's in the shade watching the waves, going for a paddle and running over the hot sand. It brought together a lot of people into a bit of a community which I grooved on. I knew it would.

The downside was, not unexpectedly, that lowlife scumbags would come along and just trash the place, have a party and leave their crap behind (literally, as it happened, one day I found a big freshish turd parked right inside the possie). It was sad, but expected. I put up signs in Chinese explaining it was for 'all to use but none to abuse'. Sadly, some folks did not heed. Most folks did. I certainly don't regard Taiwanese as skom, just some of them. Same as anywhere really, each country has its own unique signature brand of complete arsehole. Taiwan's is the blue truck/Black Virago, betel nut chewing brigade of arrogant, macho posturing arseholes. They are the reason we left Taiwan. And I know they were the rubbishes who trashed the place and probably continue to do so to the resurrected shack (this one got wiped in a typhoon). They are just a sub group. Like Westies in Oz and Dutchmen from Despatch in SA. The people we like to complain about.


Hell, if I'd built the shack in Oz I'd have been arrested for an illegal structure without planning permission.

In South Africa it would have been gone the next day. Sand probably nicked too.

Whatever, it was a fun thing to have done, it cemented a few friendships amongst people, caused minimal environmental impact and gave all the beach lovers at Chin shuei a place to chill. Now what could be wrong with that?

And Kieran loved it. The other ladies in the pic's are Shivani and Karen 'Doola'. Karen is an honorary shack member.

Karen loved it too. So did I. Everyone did, even the bovine, betel nut chewing arseholes in their own betel nut chewing, bovine, arsehole way. A very cool thing to have done.

Surfing in Hualien. Hua where?

The rock was painted after I had added my own extra comments to some Neanderthal graffitti that said, 'Locals Only' on the rock wall facing the break. To which I added, 'learn to surf here, foreigners rip it to pieces'. It could only really be read from the water.

This, surprisingly, really upset them. The locals that is. Considering I surfed there alone 98% of the time and when 'locals' did surf there it was only when it was small and they weren't very good at surfing anyway. In fact, I can honestly state that if there was anyone at the time, who warranted the term 'local', as in man hours in the water there, when there was surf, it was me. Period. I owned that wave and had it down. It was Hualien's version of the Pipe in PE. It could have its moments, it was the consistent wave but it was generally crap. You really had to know it well to surf it well.

Which brings me to the point of this post, what is a local?

I lived and worked in the town for two and a half years and would have stayed longer had it not been for the sad fact that it is a tough place to make enough to get by and my school was run by a complete arsehole. The owner was a bit of a non event too. My daughter was born there so i have a passing love for the place.

The manager of my old school was your classic, obese woman with a self esteem problem. She is the one responsible for my untimely departure from there. She would take out her self esteem problems on other people. Charlene was a woman with a mission. Destroy any sense of self worth in any individual who had any. Doubtless she is still doing it and making money for her Laoban (boss). She was the most negative bitch I have ever met in my life, bar another fat, arrogant slob of a woman who is also in education management. That witch is an upcoming story that will peel your ears off. Frankly, you won't believe it but it will be ALL true. Just wait until I leave here.

It seems obese women in management have issues. Beware all teachers! Avoid schools run by fat, ugly women with low self esteem! Come to think of it, this is actually pretty sound advice in any workplace. I have heard legions of stories about the same genotype and their vindictive, petty ways. But I digress. This is another post entirely.

Localism. These ou's got really uptight about the added grafitti and reckoned it was my ex boss. What a pleasure. I was quite happy for him to take the heat. So, I proceeded to Graffitti up a derelict structure as the 'Hualien Boardrider's Clubhouse'. Sadly, the pic's never came out. It was a laugh.

They got even uptighter. I scheme they had watched 'Point Break' and reckoned this is how surfers behave. Get local and heavy. Utterly stupid behaviour. I suppose what I did was too. Luckily they never gave me any carrots at the place at all. Ever. In fact, they were always nice to me in the water. They did give a mate of mine some stick though. He was gaytraying though, and therefore, utterly deserved it. I sold him my 7'4'' mini mal against my better judgement and still dream of her.

The silly thing is, it wasn't as if the spot was worth getting heavy about. It wasn't exactly Supers or Ulu' or any of a hundred good waves. It was Hualien's version of Pipe in PE. Consistent but usually crap. Situated right in front of the garbage dump. We named it, in a fit of creativity....'The garbage dump'.

Apt name, waves would look like absolute smokers and then vlam out on you or fade horribly just as you got started. But if you knew this beforehand and worked around it...waiting for the bowl which sometimes did and often didn't...

So, how does it all operate? When do you qualify? The 'heavies' there moved into town AFTER I had arrived but they were Taiwanese. Or maybe they lived there before but started surfing, I don't remember. A couple of them were big lads. Were they locals and not me? I lived in Jbay for a year and a half and surfed it when there was only Ungerer's supermarket in town and camped in the dunes. Does that qualify me? I have land at Seals. Does that qualify me? I'm from PE does that make me a Pipe local?

When you analyse the whole thing you pretty soon realise that localism is a complete load of bollocks and the 'enforcers' are just petty wankers with a close minded, bigoted attitude. I can understand the Jbay crew getting pippy, but I don't see them getting heavy with the very poeple who are making the situation happen (hello Billabong and the surfwear industry).

Nobody owns the waves. Despite what big business wants. A lot of surfers I know HATE what Billabong has done to the town. Maybe it was inevitable. Another big business would have done it. God knows, Billabong have done enough to stop anybody else getting on 'their' turf. It still guts me that they got away with taking away the best right hander at the best time of year from US, for the sake of a few 'pro's' who get to surf good waves all the time anyway. Absolutely f*cked up thing imho.

Personally, I would rather surf any other wave than Supers these days due to the clown show going on there. It used to be intense and stoked. These days it is intense, crowded and a definite aggro vibe in da water. Sad.

May the best surfer get the most. Most good surfers I know get the most waves anyway because they are fitter and more tuned in. The gentlemen amongst them, and there are many, happily give waves away to stoked surf rats.

At Seal Point, MY local break there is a definite pecking order and the 'locals' just get more waves from local knowledge and a cunning 'rack and stack' technique that all just do (unless it has changed) to unwitting wannabe Seal Point inside paddlers. It is a wonderful thing to watch the numbnut stroke into the ledging peak just two metres too deep and knowing he is going to inspect Full Stop as your buddy strokes in a few metres down the line. All good. Now that is what I call localism. give respect, get it.

My favourite trick at Seals is to paddle right over and drag the ou's who HAVE to sit on your inside to a point of near silliness then fang it back over to where the wave will break. Then do the same thing after he starts to suss it out and paddle back to where the inside wave on the outside breaks. I've had ou's get real shitty with me for doing this to them when all they have been doing is being arseholes paddling on my inside! That I never do.

Unless they're not local.

Surfing in PE

Let's face it. PE is not known for its swell, the bay is too protected from the predominant SW swells for any size waves to get in.

When a south swell comes in then it is party central. I have had the fortune of hooking a few of the good south swells when they hit PE and can honestly say when they come in, PE has some of the best waves on the planet. Sadly not often enough to warrant boasting.

Which brings me to the reason for this waffle. Which is the best wave in PE? Impossible to answer really, Fence when it is on is a class act A frame peak. It stopped working for years and only recently has started to show its form again. Rincon when it is on is as long a ride as J'Bay, not as intense but it has its speed sections. I used to ride a longer board there to get over the flat sections and scored some of the longest, funnest rides of my life there. Millers can get perfect, it even reminds me of small Supers at times. Aavalanche? If it wasn't for the speed bump it would be up there.

There is no doubt though, in anyone's mind, which is the swakkest wave in PE.

The Pipe. It is remarkable though, it is also the most crowded.

I recall surfing Rincon many years ago, going holistically off, 800 meter rides and two other ou's in the water. Pipe? 35. I counted. They could see me riding waves all the way from the Beacon to Black bottoms and getting out to walk back as the paddle was just too far, easier to walk. That's PE surfers for you. They can see ou's getting classic waves and sit at the vlammest wave in town.

The Pipe is a bit of an institution in PE surfing. Park there for a day and almost always you will meet someone you know (that's if you are a PE surfer) if you park long enough. I visit PE rarely these days but when I do, the Pipe has an irrestible allure. I can't help but turn into the car park and do a quick surf check. It is invariably flat or a vlam pig dribble wave suited for longboards and bored surfers. And I invariably see someone I know who sees me and says 'howzit bru' with a puzzled look on his face, trying to remember my name and wondering if he has lost his mind because he hasn't seen me for so long but I am a PE boy so he must have seen me recently...
Most of us learned to surf there and we have a bit of a soft spot for the place. Even though it is a crap wave. That's why, I think, PE surfers tend to go there. It certainly isn't because it's the best wave in town.


I have only once in my life seen Pipe really cooking and then Rincon was WAY better. So why do I do it? Surf there? It is simple, Pipe is a consistent piece of pigdribble and it is where I first stood up on my 7'6'' pintail Safari. An indescribable moment of pure ecstasy permanently etched in my mind. It was a left. All of 2 foot and I rode it all the way in to the beach. Stoked. Life changed irreversibly. Every time I paddle out at Pipe it brings back those little memories. Like the first time I paddled out and kept slipping off the board. I didn't know you had to put wax on it.


So there we have the bizarre situation of a town which has great waves when it gets them but it generally doesn't so the worst wave is the most popular. I miss PE and the fact that it is only an hour from the Bay...

Other life forms and Darwin

It has always been an area of debate amongst surfers as to which forms of the sport are better than others. Single fins vs thrusters. Longboards vs shortboards. Swallow tail vs square or rounded pin. Beach break vs point or reef. The list can go on and on. Ther are some areas though where we all agree.

Jet skis suck. Unless used as tow-in or wakeboarding tools, in which case they are fine.

Paddle skis. Awful things. Interestingly, those who are left seem to be nice enough guys. They don't take all the waves and generally enjoy the water time (Hi Dave). It is obviously a Darwinian thing. The gene pool of paddle skiers was full of utter boneheads with no idea. They probably killed themselves in manners worthy of Darwin awards.

http://www.darwinawards.com if you haven't heard.

Knee boarders. Cripple sticks. Most of them rip, all three I have met in my life, and do it because, as they rightly point out, they get waaay more barrel time. Not enough of this species to be too concerned about and they are all watermen.

The primary Darwinian thing is booger boarders. Those people who get on a slab of high density foam, with a pair of swim fins and proceed to enter the line up.

Anybody can do this. Even if you don't swim. The population of these people is usually pimply faced adolescent boys whose mums won't let them ride a real board because it is too dangerous.

They will vigorously deny this and tune, agressively, they have just as much right to be in the water (they don't) and get all sulky when dropped in on, ridden over, verbally abused, snotklapped, treated like doormats etc. Also females. We all like this group as long as they're hot and don't take too many waves. Which most of them are not and don't so they're OK. It is the adolescent whiney male that I love to bait.

The problem with this subgroup is that they can get in the water and surf with virtually bugger all payback time. No paying of the dues. Look, I have tried it. I have. Waves seem a lot bigger and minibarrels are easy to get, but, lets face it. It is lying down. No matter which way you cut it, it is not really the ART, more the fART. If I had to choose a booger board it would be only on days when it is hollow and so small I couldn't fit inside.

Another thing about the subgroup of adolescent male gaytrayers is how sketchy they get when diss'ed. It is hilarious. They get all uptight because, deep down, they know. They can't surf. The only gaytrayer I know who didn't have issues was a stand up surfer as well. He was however, seriously insane and ended up marrying a Taiwanese chick. Nuff said there.

I love the names:

shark biscuit
gay tray
frog on toast
booger
eskylid rider
quad (as in quadraplegic)
speed bump
cripples
doormats
shark bait

Now, how many nicknames do they have for us? NONE! Proof that they are lower on the evolutionary scale. They remind me of insects, breed quickly but a short life span.

Most die off after a few encounters with people like me who utterly disregard them when in the water. This is, of course, the necessary path that all true surfers follow. It is our duty. Give the frogs on toast heaps of ridicule, scorn and contempt. It is utterly deserved. The lighties tend to see the light after a few smackdowns and either get a real board or start playing golf.

The AGM

What a roaring success it was. We got the services of Khartoum's sole pignose virtuoso for the evening (see pic). As the crowds arrived it was a case of everyone who was anyone to do with surfing in Khartoum was there. Epic.

So, the decisions wrt the agenda:

The beach. It was agreed that global warming/climate change and/or drought and the massive influx of semi nomadic subsistence agriculturalists into more permanent housing schemes has led to this problem. We realised there is sod all we can do about it except ride a bicycle to work, start composting (which I already do, hah, so there, well compost anyway) and reduce our collective carbon footprint and find trees to hug. There is a dearth of trees around here so we will plant some, sometime.

The water for beach exchange. It was, quite rightly, pointed out that the water would be salt water and therefore would cause a significant increase in the soil salinisation problem here. Resolved to tell St Francis Bay municipality to remove the salt before they send us the water. Simple.

Invading Morocco. Tree hugging pacifists objected and rightly pointed out that it would not be very nice. Blowing up Eritrea and/or Somalia to get the coast closer on the east side was proposed. Less people, and nobody really cares about those countries anyway. Surf footage from Black Hhawk Down was used to support the motion. Lack of crowds in the water was a definite motivator. Pirates would cetainly provide security in the water. We are to contact Mogadishu surf club to see if they object. I am personally in favour of Morocco, the swell is more consistent.

Crowds. Happens everywhere. Motion was passed to ignore them unless they start booger boarding. Most don't surf or get in the way anyway. If they start gaytraying that is another matter entirely and a distinct worry.

Utter lack of surf. All agreed it was an issue that needs resolved as a matter of urgent priority. A sub committee has been set up to initiate an investigation into this.

AOB, it was suggested that boogie boarders may join. This was met with howls of derisive laughter and disbelief at the utter preposterousness of the idea. After the mirth it was decided that girls may join but as soon as they can navigate in the water they have to go stand up or be banned for life.

Meeting adjourned at 10pm and next meeting to be advised.

Watching TV

1982. that's when I first watched TV. I didn't know it back then. I was a total grom' just discovering the joys of surfing. On a 7'6'' Safari single fin shaped by Spider himself (I scheme, it had his signature on it, not like these days), leg rope was a piece of washing line and a sock.

Paddling out at Supers was like, no way man, this wave is too hectic, I will surf Point. Largely due to my going over the falls on every wave whenever I paddled out, not hard at Supers if you are an absolute beginner. These days crowds are the problem. And crowds of folks like me back these days PLUS waaay fit younger ou's who rip too. Let's face it. if you can stand up on a board, you can surf Supers, eventually. If you can catch a wave nowadays.

I had great stoke increasers in the Mee brothers. A couple of stand up Christian (in the real sense) guys who were and still are utterly fearless in big waves. Ex PE lads, now both ensconced in All Black country and still surfing. The bastards had me paddling out at 6 foot plus Supers when I could barely stand up. I mean, how Christian is that? I didn't know better. They were tuning me, 'This is small, wait till it gets to eight foot, if you get hammered, just hold your breath, you can swim, right?' It stood me well. They were tuning me it is only 4 foot, not big at all... However, I digress.

I saw TV take off on a wave one day, at Supers, solid 8 foot (Mee brothers 5 foot, Hawaiian 6foot, PE pipe rats 15 foot) on the take off and just get mangameil slotted or in the pocket the whole way with a style that, to this day, I will never forget. I was too shit scared to take off,( it was at least triple overhead) and sat on the shoulder for about an hour until David (Mee) came up to me and tuned me to go for it, it is my wave.

At the time I schemed, great, Dave reckons it is cool and he knows, so, unwittingly I went for it and the inevitable happened. I stood up (at that time not so inevitable) and went straight down and then bottom turned. Anyone who has surfed 8 foot/6 foot/15 foot/Mee brothers 5 foot Supers will know that this is not a very good game plan.I distinctly remember the lip arching over and hammering me on my head, and the hold down, and the thought, 'Why did Dave tell me to go?'

'Sideways'. He tuned me after I paddled back out. I paddled back out because I was too shit scared to paddle back in. I then gathered my courage and had another go. I'd love to say I got it right on the next wave, but I didn't. I sat on the shoulder after the next hammering and watched far more experienced watermen rip the place to pieces. Obviously I got back in eventually. I will not go into the details here. I did make the drop though...

One of the watermen was TV. aka Tony van der Heuvel. The best board I have ever had was one he sold me when he was down and out back in the 80's. By that time I was competent. A 7'8'' single fin, made for the express purpose of riding Supers. That board was the best board I have ever had and I still wish I had kept it after it delaminated and the fin fell out. It surfed everything well. He did too. A consummate waterman and hippie. He died a whiles back. TB.

Dave Mee used to charge Supers. Long before Occhy, Dave had the layback barrel down. I will never forget watching Dave layback into a humungous 8 foot/6 foot/ Mee brother 5 foot/PE 15 foot barrel just before Impossibles and get slotted for a solid 4 seconds. He nearly made it out too. That lip was throwing up and out, the barrel was below sea level. I know. I caught the wave before him and survived. The idea of doing a layback, on the flat water, certainly didn't cross MY mind, I tune you. As I entered the maw of below sea level barrel and certain hammering I was more intent on getting out of it with my teeth intact. In those days there were WAY more mussels on the rocks.

Now you understand why I love surfing.

AGM up soon! Will we make a difference in the global economy...

Khartoum Boardriders Club AGM

Those of you who are interested, the AGM is to be held next week.

Matters on the agenda are:

The beach. It seems to just get bigger here every year. This is the opposite problem to St Francis Bay and a few other places so we intend to commission a study to see if we can send our sand there. There will obviously have to be some kind of reciprocity. For discussion.

Crowds. There just seem to be more and more people every year too. And a lot of them can't swim. At all. Never learned. This could be hazardous if St Francis Bay agrees to send us their water for our sand.

The decided lack of rideable waves 365.25 days of the year. This is a pressing issue that really needs to be addressed. Invading Morocco is a possibility. The logistics of this are rather daunting, given the current budget and membership but it has great surf. A huge wave pool would be nice.Flowpool as in Gateway? For discussion.

Alternative ways to enjoy the sport. Jetski freeboarding?

AOB

Next Thursday on the roof at 5.30

Deciphering squiggle

Now I'm back in Khartoum I found it immensely frustrating to find the layout converted to Arabic script for logging in. I mean, what genius decided to do this to me? I am functionally illiterate in Arabic. It makes you realise what it must be like for the poor sods who can't read or write. I can't speak it either, a trifecta of incompetence in the lingua franca of this country. road signs, menus, you name it, are all indecipherable squiggles to me.

Arabic is written from right to left. This, I have decided, is done purely to confuse people. It is also written bottom to top, just to add a frisson of excitement to it all. It is a language designed for lefties! Now I know why people have been checking me skeef when I pretend to read Arabic newspapers. A favourite pastime of mine when sitting at a cafe. I loved the surprised looks, thinking how impressed people must be with me. It's not because I'm a foreigner who can read Arabic (a rarity), but because I'm a foreigner who can read Arabic backwards (even rarer).

I now know they were wondering why I was such a retard...

Surf report for today is strong Northerly, swell about 2-3cm's with a cross chop.