The pondok

Some things in life have a special quality as they say. I've wanted a place at Seals ever since I first strayed and stayed there in the early 80's eking a living fishing chokka. Never had enough money to buy and when I finally got a plot never had enough to build. Very frustrating. However, after serious saving this place is now mine, (well, half mine half Shiv's) all mine and I am there in thirty days. Now all I need is means of supporting the family and I can live there, now THAT is not so easy. I can see a few more years of expat life ahead of me yet. Great thing is the 2 month holiday I now have my own hotel.

It's been months I know. Had a hell of a time trying to get rid of the Chinese hackers who posted squiggles on my blog. I mean, how rude is that? Like I can read this stuff? Now if Ahmed or Hussein did this to me with Arabic squiggles, at least I could smack them on the head the next day and tell them to stop, or at least translate it. At least Arabic looks nice. All curvy and funky as opposed to choppy and liney. More Elvish than Orc. I suppose that's why Chinese calligraphy was so admired and revered. It's a pity the sods who invented webscript for Chinese haven't got the aesthetics right. Now, how do I delete these posts...? I am particularly annoyed with the banana one.

Surf and the ageing process

Getting older really sucks sometimes. I noticed this so clearly this holiday. the first REAL holiday I've had in 6 yeaqrs. After grovelling in bushibans and taking ignorant Chinese parents' money I finally have a real job where I actually have to teach. Properly.

The upside of this is (apart from professional fulfilment, vastly improved job satisfaction and better pay)is that I get two months holiday over June July. This is heaven on a stick for a Saffa surfer. It gets better, they pay to fly me home AND pay me when I'm on holiday too. Not bad.

Relishing the prospect of waves I got fit for it by swimming as much as I could in the school pool.1km a day and then some with fartlek sessions (yes, that is the name for fast / slow swimming) Hah. As I type this I am writhing on the floor in derisive fits of laughter at myself. First session, after 10 minutes I was completely shagged. I had great time though. Surfing is like riding a bicycle they say. I don't know who 'they' are but it is nothing like riding a bicycle at all, so they are full of shit imho.

The really scary thing was how much faster all those younger ou's are. I don't stand a chance, they would motor past me as I was wheezing up the point, stopping every 30 meteres to catch my breath. One wave to their five.

Getting up on my feet was really hard too. After a year in a desert, my reflexes are not as honed as I would like. It took me a week before I was surfing properly again.Even then the pain was gratifyingly intense. Some mornings I was so stiff I could hardly pull my wettie on. But I did. Got dawnies in every day there was surf and got some classic waves all to myself.

The point? Surfing is still as much stoke for me now as when I started. I love doing it and will never stop unless i am simply too old. I will definitely get a LOT fitter before I venture into the water again though.

Seals is still the mellowsoc porsie of note. Smiles and laughter in the water. Supers has just been crucified by big business and crowds. Inevitable but sad. I doubt I will ever surf that wave again, simply not fit enough or hungry enough.

Conch

Sometimes you discover a new flavour that you've never come across before. Conch. Mike Mee tells me it's an endangered species and I can believe it. I now eat as much as I can because soon it won't be available. There are advantages to living in the third world. I will let my guilt consume me later. In the meantime it is...I will enjoy this stunning shellfish. Ja ja ja. Greenie and all.I'm in Khartoum for goodness sakes. Who'd think I can get fresh conch here? It needs to be enjoyed.

Think perlemoen (abalone) crossed with alikreukel( sea snail) and squid (squid). Easy to prepare, a bit of a beating, quick fry up and Voila! Mermaids crying on your tongue. I thought perly was good but this stuff knocks spots off it. You can even make a horn out of it (if you get the shell) as in Lord of the Flies horn thingie. The shell is impressive too. Make excellent earrings for elephants if they were into personal adorments.

Given that shellfish will all probably disappear off the face of the planet in the next 60 years as our oceans acidify due to YOUR (yes, you are the problem) car's exhaust emissions, I feel absolutely no guilt about eating this decidedly delicious beast before its calcareous shell thins and disappears into the oceans.

Best recipe's?

Undoubtedly the old fashioned moer it to death, battered and deep fried. Close second is Thai green curry (use green beans at the end, still crunchy and lots of Holy Basil).

Crabs in a bucket

''Anyone familiar with the behavior of a bunch of crabs trapped at the bottom of a bucket will know what happens when one of them tries to climb to the top; instead of attempting the climb themselves, those left at the bottom of the bucket will do all in their collective power to drag the climber back down. And although crab behavior should not in any way be analogous to human behavior, we can think of many instances where it is. ''

Couldn't have said it better if I tried.

I first heard the term when I was in Taiwan. Our Filipino nanny reckoned this was the norm amongst Filipino expat's (balikbayans). Her take on it was slightly different though. Which is an interesting slant on points of view about, well, crabs in a bucket. Filipinos too I suppose. It was certainly true about the balikbayans, no favours there, they would dob each other in at a whim or perceived diss'ing. Most were illegals and would end up on the plane home to Manila.

I know crabs. I have caught them before and seen their behaviour. In a bucket too. The one trying to get to the top will do anything to get there. And then what? First one in the pot. That's what.

Anyway, that's what the harridan's I mentioned in my previous post were. Crabs in a bucket. I mean, really, what ladder were those bitches climbing? At best they would have got a tiny pay increase and a huge load of extra responsibility. I am not interested in climbing the ladder, I just want to survive the next 2 years and start the Restaurant as planned. They had utterly no valid reason to give the shit they did other than being petty vindictive bitches. That is reason enough. I've seen the same type of crab behaviour directed at other people with similar consequences.

Guys don't do this type of thing. I swear, if they don't like you they will swear you silly or smack you one but they won't get crab on you.

But women, aaaaayyyyyy, scary stuff. The last crab had the audacity to look at me, as I was being canned from my job due, utterly, to her nastiness, and say, 'What about the students?' 3 months before the end of term. What about the students? Absolutely! Her crab mentality hurt them. So much for educators.

F*ck me, I was leaving anyway because it was the crappest job I had ever endured in my life.She made it worse by getting us thrown out the country just before the kid's exam's revision and says to me, 'What about the students?' Unbelievable. So, the moral of the story?

There isn't any really, apart from watching out for people who walk sideways with a desire to go upwards. Watch out for them.

White meat or brown?

It's the old question when carving up a chicken but for years I laboured under the delusion that dark skinned people had some kind of protection from being eaten by the man in the grey overcoat. The landlord. Johnnies. Whatever you want to call the creature . Think about it though. Up until two years ago I had never heard of a black guy getting attacked by a shark.

Now, in the last two years four attacks in the same place. One of them on the same guy (HOW unlucky is that? Poor bastard) who got bitten once and a year later absolutely chowed by a hungry Zambezi.

That's one thing you can say about Wild Coast shark attacks when they happen. Which, statistically, is scary, given how many people surf there. They tend to be rather serious. And not many people surf there due to the definite possibilty of being eaten and the more definite possibility of being robbed these days. Either when you're in the water as the Tsotsi's break into your car, or at gunpoint.

In the 80's Alex Macun was demolished in two bites at Ntlonyana in front of friends of mine who were close enough to the beastie to throw rocks at it. His board is on display at the Natal Shark's Board in Umhlanga Rocks. He was gone, not even a toenail left. Eaten. It wasn't actually his board, it was a friend's board he was on. Given the circumstances I believe she has forgiven the damage done. My mum was doing photography classes with the guy. He was chomped on a flat, two foot day, in knee deep water. To this day I don't think I want to surf that wave again.

The last three attacks were at 2nd beach where I surfed regularly when I lived in Port St Johns. It was the equivalent of Pipe in PE. Two were locals from the location up on the hill overlooking the waves (best views from any location in Africa). Learning to surf on boards donated by travelling surfers. Another was a lifesaver, also from the location. All they got of him was his swimfins. Zambezi shark again.

I remember two whitey surfers, Mark and Johnno' who lived there and ran a bar, (Tubes, excellent name) surfed a lot and refused to eat seafood of any kind.

'We don't eat them so they don't eat us.' Worked for them. God only knows where they are now. probably hit by a car or something. Hopefully still hanging out somewhere.

Johnno's girlfriend was a piece of work of NOTE. Pathological, lying bitch. Tried to stitch me up a few times for her own personal reasons (I was her supervisor) and nearly succeeded due to the old, 'Well, where there's smoke there's fire' adage. What he saw in her apart from the obvious I do not know. She got caught out with her lies when she claimed I had abused her verbally one day and I was 120 km's away at the time she alleged I called her a lazy, lying bitch and screamed at her for not doing her job. Which she was and she certainly didn't. But I never said it to her as she claimed. But that's another story all over again. I digress (sue me bitch!).

I also remember watching shark fishermen all being hooked up on monster hammerheads at The Gap (all five of them) as I was surfing in line with where they were trying to reel in these 14 foot beasties. Thinking, 'Ah, those are hammerheads, they don't bite.' And carrying on surfing.


I should have learned from the Johnno's squeeze incident. I got stitched up recently by another pathological lying bitch, except this time she got me. And that is also another story.

Will I stop surfing? Not a chance.

Trust women? Go figure. A post later on what ugly women (within and externally) in positions of self perceived power will do to people to further their own vaulting ambitions. Crabs in a bucket...

REAL ART not some foppy painting stuff

How good is this? Absolute talent. It was 4 years in the making. A tribute to the language of music.

For sale to the highest bidder.

The artist is an unknown genius of photo-montage who painstakingly collated images of Taiwan and the music there during his sojourn on La Isla Toxica.

His name is McStrange, a genius of note. Get it? Never mind.

Offers over $200 US considered.